3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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