I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
