my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
