Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
