I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
