I just saw a hot homeless man
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
