I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize