You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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