I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
