How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
