I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
