if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
