Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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