if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
