I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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