i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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