I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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