so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
