It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
