Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
