someone threw a dead crab at me
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
