Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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