Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hippo gnu deer
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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