Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
