My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
