When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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