if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize