I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize