Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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