he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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