So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
