i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
