So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
