Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
