I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
