I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
