I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize