One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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