If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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