She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
only you would photoshop your dick
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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