So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
