Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
