I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
