Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
