I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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