I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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