i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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