is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
