I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
