u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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