i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
