i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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