Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize