Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
3 2 1 whiskey
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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