i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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