I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
