On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
